At work… and a lot of thoughts
Sitting at work at the end of my second double. I really am hating the bitches I work with because they don’t like me. Wanna know why? Because I’m white and I don’t act like them. I think. Of course this isn’t said, nor are they outright mean to me. It’s just this cold shoulder and giving me the worst possible jobs to do. Ugh. I really really don’t like this job.
Enough about that. So Brenda and I decided that we are gonna quit smoking, work out, and diet together. I think it will work out quite nicely. As long as I can keep up on my end of things. I’ve never had any luck with diets, except for the time I was forced onto a liquid diet. At least I was getting some decent vitamins at that time because of the ensure that I was drinking everyday. Honestly, if I could survive long term on that sort of thing I would do it all over again because I lost almost 50 pounds on it. I’m around 240 again. If I go by what the doctors say is a healthy weight for my height and age I have about 100 plus pounds to lose. >_< Really? How is a 130 pound woman pretty and healthly? A little meat on your bones is more pretty than just bones.
On a more personal note, I’ve also decided I need to talk to a therapist again. And drag my mother along a few times to work out some stuff between us. She honestly thinks I’m a horrible person who is angry at everyone for the way my life has turned out and in some way she is right. But I’m mostly just mad at myself. I regret making the descisions that led me to where I am. I would have missed out on some great stuff but saved myself a lot of bad times too. Granted Sere wouldn’t be here if I didn’t do everything the same way, and I really love her, but there are times it’s so damned hard. At least I’ve finally given up and let go of Steve. That part of my life is behind me. It is done and he will NEVER be a part of my life again. I hope to hell he never decides to try getting ahold of me again. But at the same time, I’ve just given up on ever being with someone again. My faith in men is gone as well. As much as I want the comfort and support that being in a good relationship brings, I never want to deal with the games and losers again. It just hurts me. And I’ve tried to make it work with people before. Hell, I stayed in a relationship for a year doing just that. I tried the whole dating someone who I was friends with first. I’ve tried meeting men at bars, family type places, out on the town, and on just about every website that was made for dating. It just never works out with me. Mel has told me before she doesn’t understand how I can still be single. I cook great, love to clean and keep a house, and want the easy going happy little family. I don’t care if he makes a lot of money. He doesn’t have to be a model or a genius. I really don’t think I’m holding the bar too high. So why can’t I find that someone? Shit he doesn’t even have to be perfect, just do his best to make me happy in little ways, like a hug and kiss in the morning and a call at lunch to say hi. Since I’m not going to find it, I’ve resigned myself to being single. Friends have told me that it hasn’t been very long and it doesn’t mean it’ll never happen. I’m not saying that I’ll die single and never married but for the next 10 years or so it’s just not in my plan. I would love it to be but I’m not hoping anymore. My focus now is on me and Sere.
I want to start really trying to have a great relationship with her. Right now it isn’t the best because of the brainwashing from my mom and the way that I’ve become just the mean person who says no. I also am the one who disapears for two or three days at a time because I’m working doubles just to pay bills. I’m not sure how I’m going to get her to realize I’m not the mean or bad person; that I’m trying to teach a lesson or keep her healthy when I tell her no or make her do something. I think number one on the list is a schedule. Children always work better when they know exactly what happens when. She needs a set wake up and bed time, set eating times, and something to look forward to every week. I think I’m going to enroll her in a dance class. And start working with her on her alphabet, numbers, time, reading, and math. I want to make sure that she is ready for school in the fall. I think she is kind of behind on things. As advanced as she is in certain things, she is desperately behind in recognizing letters and starting to read. Of course it could be worse, but she is so smart that I really want the best for her and I don’t know how else to give it to her. I want to make sure that she gets good grades and goes to college. I don’t want her to make the same mistakes that I did. I want her to have that experience of going off to a four-year school then being able to get a great job or go on to grad school. Having to struggle paycheck to paycheck isn’t something I wanted for myself let alone my daughter.
Grafiti decorations under a sky of grey now I find myself in question i wanna run away i wanna run away i wanna know the truth i wanna know the answers i wanna shut the door and open up my mind. Sorry I’m listening to Linkin Park. I always seem to be melancholy and depressed when I listen to them. I know no one really ever reads this but hey, it’s out there. And yes, grammar nazi Brenda, there are probably a million errors in this but I typed it with my eyes closed. I think I did damn good.
Technically it’s Mother’s Day. I have not gotten mom a card or gift nor will I be able to afford a dinner out. WTF am I going to do for her? I need some good ideas.
Since I’ve ran out of ramblings I’m going to post this and send it out into the world of the intarwebs. Ha ha ha. No one reads this thing anyway…
